It's hard to hide the tears. I cry in the car, I cry in the shower, the closet. At night when everyone is asleep. I have no emotion. I'm numb. I have to be strong, but I can't. I wasnt to crawl in a hole and hide. Hide until it's ok again. I don't know how long I can be this way. Each day I die. It feels like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. I pinch myself to make sure that I am awake and I am. I want this pain to go away. Everything hurts. I pray everyday for God to help me understand, but I just can't.

The doorbell rings and you are there. My heart drops and skips a beat. Hoping you have come home, but no. My body aches and shakes from your presence. The smell of you lingers in the air as you walk in. I'm sad I am so very sad. I want you home I want you with me. I miss you. Please come home to us we need you.

I hope it's all worth it for you. But you know I got the best of you. The two we share are my everything. I hope it's worth to you what you may loose. I hope your best friends will comfort you like you say I couldn't. You used to say you would never be like your father, but you are. The life you have always wanted was without me. You say you love me, but I don't feel that thats the truth because if you say you love me so much then why are you not here? Why are you not trying why did you go and leave? I cry as I see your ring that was to symbolize our love for one another, but you have been clouded. I am just so sad and lost. I love you for you I don't want you to change. I just want to be a part of your life, but I guess I'm not.

I'm just the doormat that gets walked on the bitch that keeps you from your friends the misery in your life. I'm not a bad person that you make me out to be. I'm a good wife and mother. You say I don't listen, but I do. Noone knows and noone cares as to how I feel. I try so hard and get shit on. I don't ask for much all I ask is to be a part of your life.

I sit here alone while you go find yourself. A seperation is what you asked for. so what are you thinking about? I think about us and what happened. I'm saddened to think that you are off doing what you need to do as I just wait. Wait for what you decide. Are you better without me? Am I the cause of your sorrow? I don't know. All I know is that I'm here and I have always been here. I'm lost as well. I'm lost without you. I'm empty and confused. Confused to all of what is going on. I've been played like a fool and laughed at. I hide my face to the world hoping noone can see my saddness, but it is evident that I am hurt. When will you realize that it's not just you, but all of us? You are not the only one in this relationship, but the two of us. You say you are taking a step back, that you have lost yourself, that you need to figure things out. Well damn it I'm here too. I'm supposed to be your other half your bestfriend, your love, but I'm not. I guess I never was. You shut me out so long ago. Why did you shut me out when all I wanted was to love you. I guess I may never know.

The Wall

I don't know you anymore I can't figure you out. You have closed yourself off to me. You have built the wall and you won't let me in. Why? That's all that I want to know. We used to be able to love each other, but you keep pushing me away. Why? I'm standing at the wall begging for you to tear it down, but you won't. Why? What did I ever do? All I wanted was to love you, but I can't. Please just let me know. Why?

A knife through the heart a beating like no other that is how I feel. Maybe we were too young, but you grow. We grew, but grew apart. I question how or why, but I have no answers. All I want is an answer. All I want is the truth all I need is you. I don't have you I lost you many many years ago. How and why is the question I thought we were right. I may have changed, but I am still the same me. Just older with much more. I didn't ask to be this way, but it did. I am still the same person who whore that white dress and devoted her life to you. Take care of you bare your children and be your partner. I guess though that you changed. You were the one and you will always be the one.

Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and mirrors is all that I see. I try so hard, but nothing I do is real. Just a pawn in your game waiting to be taken. Wondering what the day will bring just not knowing anything. Shame on you for playing me the way you do, but shame on me for letting you. One day the smoke will clear and there will be nothing there. Just the emptiness which you will call home and the mirror that will show you nothing but loneliness.